How did I contract HIV? Well my story is long and complex but rather
than before you with the story of my life and my personal psychoanalysis.
I will just share the down and dirty simple version of the story of
my entrance and exit into the hardcore gay sex world. A world where
sex was sport and addiction.
Years ago I saw a graphically and verbally simple billboard that
said "Get High, Get stupid, Get Aids." I used to laugh to
myself driving by this billboard that turned out to be a premonition
rather than a Warning. Most would think I was too smart and too mature
to fall into the trap of sport sex and drug addiction. I only wanted
to find a partner and lover. Then I got in with the wrong crowd. I
thought it was the cool crowd at first. I found a group of men that
were just as sex and love starved as myself. Then came the drugs and
the orgies and days of sex. My life became about sex and drugs and
not much else. People and partners came in and out of my life like
the revolving door at Marshall Fields at Christmas Time. The drugs
replace intimacy and made my appetite for sex insatiable.
I made it to the top of the sex world. Visiting porn stars came to
party with us not the other way around. I had hallucinations of Greek
Gods observing me in admiration wanting to play also bur there was
no room for them.. I snubbed them thinking I was God too good for
them. The group I partied with was into bare backing and had not had
protected sex for years and had no negative consequences. I foolishly
believed them, besides it felt better and was easier to maintain an
erection. Then came my first STD Gonorrhea, a temporary scare and
timeout from the scene while I recuperated. But after wading slowly
back I jumped back in and it became the STD of the month club. I was
addicted and out of control, but things began to spiral downward.
My party pals were overdosing and getting complications from too many
drugs and too many partners. I witnessed them lose their jobs, their
apartments, their possessions all for more sex and more drug and more,
more, more! They started leaching from me and others who had means.
My mind was clouded from all the drugs and no sleep. I was convinced
it was all worthwhile and I was having special experiences that only
bold and daring people had.
All I really wanted was to feel loved. I felt my soul dying and it
was no longer fun it was addiction. The people I thought were my friends
were only using me. Fleetwood Mac said it best "players love
you only when you are playing." I was like the prodigal son after
he spent his inheritance and was rejected by his new found friends
when the money was gone. Not a pleasant revelation.
I began to suspect that I was positive so on a cold windy day I walked
downtown to the clinic to be tested again. I told myself if dodged
the bullet this time I would leave the scene before it was too late.
I was beginning to discover all the people around were positive all
along. No one seemed to mind, it was part the hardcore gay lifestyle
" If you want to play you got to pay" was the mentality.
So on an even colder and windier day I walked downtown to the clinic
for my results. I new I was positive, I have always been a lucky person
and thought I could get past this one with luck….
On December 20th 1999 I was told I was HIV positive. My Christmas
present if you will. I left no surprised but somewhat numb. I had
no insurance and did not want to be in the program in the city and
had little money. I needed that for drugs and sex. I resolved myself
to party till I died, but it was no long until I decided to leave
the scene. I was better than this, I no longer felt alive. Besides,
things were nearing heart attack levels to set off. So I left the
scene and turned to traveling and trying to find some purpose in life.
I was angry at the people who used me. I could not stop thinking about
how I was used and abused, when in fact I let it happen to myself.
I was hoping there was someone else like me out there and we could
save each other from this hell.
Yeah right and the checks in the mail.
I had resolved myself to living out my life and letting the virus
take me. I had no reason to live. No reason? What a joke I was into
skydiving, snowboarding, photography and had wonderful friends all
around the world. I could feel the virus getting the best of me and
I decided to try to do something about it. I then discovered Open
Door Clinic and began to process of getting into the program. They
saved my life and helped me care about living again. I quit all drugs,
alcohol and sex. I am saving sex for a lover and partner if I ever
find one. I have no interest in sport sex any longer. I have taken
it upon myself to get as healthy as I can and make my life an example
for others with similar problems and feelings.
I still have a lot of living to do. I feel twenty years younger thanks
to my meds supplied by ADAP through the help of Open Door Clinic.
You too can play Russian Roulette but I will tell you eventually
you will get burned.
"Get high, Get stupid, Get Aids." In a way I was lucky I
could have just easily gotten hepatitis C. We all need to assume until
proven through testing any partner you are with no matter how young
and beautiful has every STD imaginable. Because the more and longer
you play you will eventually get something. It really is not worthy,
I thought it was but no longer. However It is not the end of the world.
Make friends with your disease and invite it to leave, was the advise
of Bruce Lee.
So join me in getting on with life and enjoying the beauty of the
world. I am lucky to be fifty now I no longer have the raging hormones
of youth. I still have temptations. If I slip I won't let it keep
me down I'll just start over again. I am not going back to hell.
I am still a romantic person however, waiting for my soul mate and
knight in shining armor to ride up and ask me to ride off into the
sunset with him.
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