Shirley
Why Me?

I'm a 49-year-old black woman who was told I was HIV positive on February 14, 2005. Let me explain the detail of part of my life that lead up to February 14, 2005.

I was married at 16 years old and had a child; from my parent's house to my husband's house. My parent's house was full of love but my husband's house was ownership (ownership of me!) I thought my husband loved me, but he didn't, I was just his property. Out of 14 of 16 of the years I was beaten and hospitalized. I went through counseling and one of the counselors said to get out. This is what I did: the counselor sent me to a shelter for battered women. I stayed there for four months. I worked to save money for me and my two children to survive and live on my own "never really known how to do that but learn."

Starting my life over I started to go out to clubs. Never experience this 1992 I went child to woman, so out partying I wet this one guy who kept trying to talk to me. I knew he was some kind of player so I told him I'm a mother of 6 and on welfare. He didn't care. We started dating. I knew to use protection but he convinced me that I was the only one, so we didn't use any protection. I was stupid and I went along with it. I was afraid of being alone and not having someone to take care of me the way my ex-husband did, who was a provider. So I found someone who could provide for me and let me be myself; letting me say what was on my mind without being hit or beaten. So from 19 years old and on and off he'll leave and date someone else. When he came back to me we didn't use any protection. I got shingles in 1998 and the doctor said to me I could have been around someone with chicken pox or I had the chicken pox virus in my body. That year I heard a lot of things about HIV so I got tested and it was negative. Once again my boyfriend and I broke up and then got together. Now it's 2004 and I got sick with a cold and sinus infection. In August of 2004 I got the shingles again for a whole month.

In November of 2004 I found a lump in my neck and the Dr. scheduled time for me to have it removed. He tested it for cancer and it was negative. The Dr. told me he wanted me to take another test and I said OK not knowing what test it was. So I took the test. The Dr. called me again, again, and again. He left a message to call him and finally left one more message saying to call my primary doctor and I still didn't call. My primary doctor started calling and leaving a message on my cell phone and house phone. I finally called my primary doctor and he said he needed to talk with me and to make an appointment to see him. Before I tell you the part about what my doctor said let me tell what surgery doctor had asked me. He asked had I been around anyone who had HIV and I told him no. So back to primary doctor I came to his office and she asked me how I was feeling. I said OK and I was feeling much better than I had felt in a long time. I wasn't going to last a long time because what she was about to tell me was the devastating news any woman cannot bare. My primary doctors said good because I told her I was feeling better and she said I have something to tell you. My thoughts were she was about to tell me I had cancer even though the doctor said it was negative. I said please say I don't have cancer. She said no but you are HIV positive. I said I couldn't be. She said yes; I couldn't believe it so I asked her to take the test over. I was so devastated and in tears so I told her I couldn't deal with this right now and I left her office.

Walking out of the office I called my boyfriend of 11 years, and said to him "you gave me aids." He said no and he didn't have it. I hung up on him. I came home, no one was here, and crying my eyes out. My daughter walked in and she came up the stairs and she said "Mom, what's wrong?" I told her to hug me and she kept saying what was wrong? I said to her I have aids, my daughter said are you HIV positive or do you have aids? I just kept crying harder and harder; my daughter really could not understand me. My daughter said stop crying and what was wrong. I kept saying I have aids and she said what did the doctor say. I said the doctor said I was HIV positive. My daughter said to me you don't have aids so stop saying that you have aids. It seems my daughter knew a little about it. My daughter explained to me that HIV is a virus and aids is the full-blown disease. She said I just have the virus in my body and to read and I will learn all about it. My daughter said to me everything is going to be all right.

Three days later I went to see my primary doctor to take the test over but my doctor said to me I could take the test over again but she was very sure I had it. The doctor wanted to do what was necessary to make me feel better. The doctor gave me three shots and a prescription for some medicine for breathing. The doctor sent me to an HIV specialist and gave me a 1-800 number for counseling and other things I needed to know. This is how I ended up at Open Door Clinic who has helped me understand more about the disease I have. It has made my life a little bit easier for me now that I understand that I can live with this. Now one day I can teach others that no matter what lifestyle you have it can happen to you. The way to prevent it is to have safe sex.

P.S. I would like to dedicate this to the ladies of Open Door.

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