I never thought it would happen to me. I grew up in one of those small
towns where there was one stoplight, one small high school, where
most of the businesses were closed at night and on Sundays, and most
of the folk were typical white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I was an amateur
bodybuilder, very health conscious and rarely even got a cold. AIDS
was a non-reality where I lived. No one had it and just barely had
a vague notion of what it even was or how you could get it. The closest
case of it was in the nearest far away big city, which was Chicago.
It became a reality to me when, after growing up and moving closer
to the city, I came out of the closet and started dating other gay
men. After a couple of years of dating, I started dating a man who
on our first date told me that he had AIDS. At first I thought he
was joking, or was trying to make an excuse not to have a second date
with me. I mean, after all, I had never met anyone who actually had
it and that was something that was only in the big cities, right?
As his story about how he cam down with the disease unfolded and
our date progressed, I felt more and more like this was someone who
I wanted to see again, but that big "A" word was in the
way. When our date ended, we kissed good night and I left, scared
to death that I had it just from kissing him. I did not sleep well
that night, and the next morning headed to the nearest library to
find out everything that I could about the disease. Needless to say,
I was very relieved to discover that one could not catch it just from
a simple kiss.
I spent the next two weeks wrestling with myself about whether I
wanted to pursue this man or not, what my risks were and whether or
not it was worth it. Well, to make a long story short, we ended up
as a couple. At first I was extremely cautious, using every available
method of protection against catching it. We used condoms every time.
I never bottomed out. I always urinated after sex, washed my hands
afterward, and always rinsed my mouth after we kissed.
But, after a few years, after remaining perfectly healthy, a strange
transformation began to take place. Somewhere in the back of my head,
for whatever reason, I began rationalize in my own mind that I was
immune to catching it. One by one, the safe sex practices that were
such a part of my intimacy ritual began to fall away, one by one,
until we reached the point where we were having unprotected sex. But
since there was never an intentional exchange of bodily fluids, I
always thought that I had nothing to worry about,
As the years went by, and nothing happened, I slowly convinced myself
that my theory about being immune must have been true, even though
somewhere in the deepest recessed of my reality I knew better. I spent
most of my waking hours totally ignoring that small voice that told
me that I knew better. I also never got tested because I always felt
fine. Or was it that in reality I really just didn't want to know
whether I had it or not.
Several years went by like this until one day I noticed that after
my daily workouts at the gym I started feeling unusually tired. I
thought maybe I was trying to fight off a bug or was over training,
so I cut back on my routine. As the weeks went by, the tired feeling
turned into downright exhaustion and sick feelings that took me several
hours to recuperate from after each work out.
It was at this point that I decided to go see a doctor. The doctor
went to start the examination and when he went to look down my throat,
he noticed that I had a case of Thrush. He proceeded to tell me that
most cases of this are caused by a low immune system, resulting from
HIV infection, so he recommended that I get tested immediately. As
he told me the news my heart dropped inside of me, for I knew in the
back of my mind that I had probably lost my game of Russian Roulette
with unsafe sex. The next day I went to Open Door Clinic to get tested.
I had previous dealings with the clinic due to my other half having
been a client there.
Two weeks later the results came back. Not only was I positive, but
also I had come down with full-blown AIDS. My viral load was about
500,000 and my t-cells had dropped to 3 (the average is 800-1600).
The doctors speculated that I probably had it for 6 or 7 years and
it just never showed any outward signs because I took such good care
of myself, until it finally just began to overwhelm my immune system.
I started to bawl. As the doctor proceeded to tell me what was going
to happen next, I only heard bits and pieces of what he was saying.
His words were nothing more than an echo in the distance. I could
hear my heartbeat and myself breathing heavily, and the only thing
I could think was, "Oh, my God, I'm going to die!"
My life has never been the same since. All I can say is, "Thank
God!" for places like Open Door. If it was not for them, I don't
know what I would have done, and by now I would have been dead. The
first thing that was done was a genotype test to determine which medications
I could use. Once I started the medications I was in for a long uphill
battle. Because I had very little immune system, I developed a lot
of unusual medical conditions, and also had nothing to ward off any
side effects of the drugs that I was placed on.
I developed Erosive Esophagitis, Apotheus ulcers in my mouth, mulluscum
contagisum on my skin. I was so sick that I was bed ridden for about
a month and a half. I could only stomach about two bites of food a
day, had constant nausea and vomiting, and developed wasting syndrome.
I dropped from 185 lbs. to 128 lbs.
Because of not having any immune system, I came down with a rare
allergic reaction to the antibiotic I was on called Stevens-Johnston
Syndrome, which caused a horrible peeling skin rash on the entire
upper part of my body, and practically swelled my eyes shut.
I developed diarrhea that would not stop. It was so bad that they
sent me to the hospital for tests to see if there was another underlying
cause. My hair fell out due to the rashes. I suffered from depression
and insomnia. I had to wear adult diapers due to the uncontrollable
diarrhea. Because I was bedridden for so long that I not only developed
Lymphodema in my legs, but the muscles, tendons, and ligaments in
my back, legs and hips atrophied so badly that I had to go through
8 months of physical therapy in order to be able to walk properly
again. It also aggravated an old injury of two herniated discs in
my lower back, which I will have to have surgery and rehabilitation
for.
Slowly, as my immune system has tried to reestablish itself, and
my viral load dropped. I developed intense stabbing pains throughout
my body anywhere there were lymph nodes. This daily occurrence put
me through an agonizing torture about 6 hours a day, along with a
headache of migraine strength, neither of which would respond to any
pain medication. Both only subsided with time, as I got better.
Except for the disc surgery, which I have yet to go through, most
of the things that went wrong with my body, have corrected themselves
thanks to the efforts of many people and doctors at Open Door Clinic.
They were able to give me all the medical and nutritional help and
education that I needed, get me help for the depression I have suffered
as a result of coming down with and having to live with AIDS, arrange
physical therapy for my legs, as well as help me with the process
needed to correct the problems with my back and treat the severe pain
that has been associated with the entire ordeal. They were able to
get my viral load down to undetectable levels, and my t-cells up to
above 350.
Even though the current drug regimen I am on has begun to fail after
only a year and a half of being on it, I am no longer fearful that
I will die, or die alone. I know that Open Door Clinic will leave
no stone unturned in their efforts to find me a drug regimen that
will keep me healthy. I also know that they have tried to boost the
quality of my life as a human being through complimentary therapies
and will continue to do so. Their support groups and other activities
have helped me not feel so isolated and alone in my fight against
this disease.
I know that I will never be that happy go lucky person that I once
was. I gambled and lost my game of Russian roulette. But I know that
had I gotten tested years earlier, I could have avoided a lot of pain
and physically debilitating things that happened to me, so I always
encourage everyone I know to get tested often, no matter if they think
they have it or not. I also know that had I stuck to my guns and kept
using a condom each and every time I had sex, I probably could have
forever avoided getting this sick to begin with.
I always lie in bad at night and think what if I had done things
differently. What if I had used a condom? It's too late for me, but
it's not too late for you. Don't play Russian roulette with your life
and health like I did. Use a condom every time, no matter what!!!
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