Margaret
A Way of Life

That was a year I had a lot of changes in my life.
That was a year I wish had never happened.
That was the worst year of my life.

First of all, let me tell you, I decided to move to Chicago with the boyfriend I had for 4 years. We were together, and I ended up getting pregnant. My boyfriend started getting sick. I had started noticing there were changes on him, when all of a sudden we were watching TV together, and I saw Magic Johnson on TV explaining that he was HIV positive, saying his symptoms. When I noticed his symptoms, and when I looked at my boyfriend, they had the same symptoms! I kinda got shaken up, but I said "no, this can't be".
When I had went to the Doctor's, I had talked to him, and they told me they recommended I take a HIV test. Which I did. I'll never forget.

It was still 1991, and right before Thanksgiving, they called me in. I went to the hospital to find out the most devastating news of my life, that I was HIV positive.
When I went in the room, I noticed there were lots of doctors. I could feel the tenseness, because there was nobody making a noise. I was in there; I knew something was wrong. I asked the people what was going on, and, they're like, "just wait; we're gonna get the Doctor in here". There was nurses and everything. They came in and told me I was HIV positive.
I started to just grab my head…I was saying, "this is a dream. I need to wake up…I want to wake up". I remember I was like on the 9th floor at Northwestern Hospital, and I wanted to jump out the window. I just wanted to kill myself; I couldn't believe it. I was so devastated they kept me there to calm me down for a while.
I went home on the bus, and I sat there and looked at everybody; I felt dirty; I felt I was marked. I sat there and I said "I wonder if these people would sit next to me if they knew I had this." I just wanted to climb out of my body, but I didn't know how.

I was so mad. I went home that day and I bought 2- 40ounces to catch a buzz, to figure out how to kill him, how to kill myself, because I was in shock, and I refused to bring a child into this world with this disease.
When I walked in, Joe was sitting on the bed. He looked at me and he knew something was wrong. He said, "what's up?" I told him they told me I was HIV positive. He looked at me like he was in shock. He told me, "oh, no, don't tell me that you gave it to me." At that moment, my mind went blank. I grabbed the 40 bottle I had, and I busted it over his head. I told him, "How dare you try to say I gave it to you?" I ran to the kitchen; I wanted to get a knife to kill him. He jumped up, he ran out the door and he called the police on me. He had me arrested. (Afterwards, he came and apologized, and admitted to me that, during our separation, he did shoot up a few times, and, prior to before he ever met me he shot up a few times. I was naïve, because I never knew of anybody that I hung with that shot up. So, I really didn't know what to look for. He was a dark Hispanic, and I never saw track marks, and I never saw any blood spots on him. ) At that moment I realized that this dream I thought I was having was really a nightmare in reality. He agreed to go get checked, and we went to the Doctor. He came out with a 6 t-cell count, which said he had full blown AIDS.

All I could think about was death. How was I gonna die? What kinda tubes was gonna be on me? Was I gonna go blind? Was I gonna lose my teeth? Is my child, which is now my son, gonna be an orphan? I'm not gonna let that happen. I called the hospital and explained to them that I wanted an abortion, and they told me that there was medicine, like AZT, that they were giving to pregnant women to help prevent the child from getting infected.

I started taking the AZT. I prayed to God every day. I couldn't understand why I had HIV. I felt that I was punished for something, and I asked God, "Please don't take away my son, please, he's innocent. Please, God, let him be born healthy." I had never had a sexual transmitted disease in my life; I was never a whore. I just didn't understand why it had to be AIDS.

By the time my son was born, Joe was already in and out of the hospital a couple of times. He had caught himself a Theft charge because he was deep into doing drugs again, and he got locked up. I had two of my nieces stay with me during the time he was gone. I was taking my son to Children's Memorial Hospital where they have a special HIV Center for children over there. My son was born positive because he had my antibodies. They were testing him, and his antibodies were dropping, and he was developing his own. They told me there were chances that he would be negative once he grew his own antibodies.

Well, I was just being stupid, and I was writing a note, and I put in the note about myself that, if my son was born with AIDS, that I was gonna kill him and I would go to hell for him, because I would kill myself; because I would not let him be born like that. Well, my two nosy nieces ended up finding my papers, and one of them who found them was so devastated that she tried to commit suicide because she was so in love with my son, like he was her own.
After that I realized that people do care. For us, my son, to me, is my life. He keeps me going. He kept me going through the good and the bad times, and he still keeps me going through the good and the bad times.
By the time my son was a little over one, he tested negative. That was the happiest day of my life!
Joe got released a few months after that, and he looked like a walking skeleton. He ended up going straight to the hospital, and he never made it back out. He ended up dying of AIDS.

I had been so depressed, I cut all ties with all my friends; I rarely spoke to my family. I was linked with The Children's Place, and they had a great, great Agency for kids with HIV or family infected with HIV. They had my son in a program, Respite Care, where they had like a big brother that would come and play with him and did a lot of outings with kids. They did a lot of great things. I regretted it when we moved out to the suburbs. I was also linked with another program called Lutheran Social Services in Chicago, and that was a great program. They helped find Foster Families for your children when your time came. You make wills, and they had craft shop every week, and they also did family outings.

In the suburbs I ended up going into the hospital with Double Pneumonia for a couple of weeks. I ended up losing 50 pounds; I lost the majority of my hair. They didn't think I was going to make it. At that time I had to explain to my son what I had, and to tell my close family members. I prayed to God every day to let me see my son grow up "…please don't take me from him…not until I see him become a man". My family had the church members come over to do spiritual prayers; I prayed every day to God. I wanted to die because I couldn't deal with the pain.

Believe it or not…God pulled me through. I believe God gives you what you can handle. I didn't think I could handle it but I realized I could. I wish I could change back the hands of time, but I know it is impossible. I believe God has us all here for a reason-my reason I don't know yet-but I do know that I do help my nieces and nephews and friends. I explain to them about AIDS, and condoms, and I hope that I can help prevent any of them from getting it.

I think one of the programs that have really helped me a lot is the Open Door Clinic, which I am affiliated with right now. It's a great program. They helped me get dental care, for which I'm so grateful 'cause I know I will have my teeth. They've given me food vouchers when I had nothing in my house to eat. They offer to take care of me medically and I know they have a great Doctor, who is Dr. Lucks, because he took care of me when I was in the hospital. But, I decided since I've been with my Doctors at Northwestern since 1991 that I'm gonna stay with them, since we're in 2006, and I'm still here. They have great support groups in English and Spanish, which I recently started going to. I wish Open Door would be like Chicago. They would take you out every year for bowling once a year, movies once a year, Great America once a year, and to a Water Park once a year. That takes so much stress off the kids and off the family knowing that they can all go out and have a great time.

Well, I'm going to end this right now because if I keep on I'll probably be writing a book. I'm not sure who I'm writing this for, or what I'm writing this for; all I know is that they told me to write a story about yourself and about the Agencies that are helping you. The only thing I got to say is that if it wouldn't be for these Agencies and these support groups, a lot of us would be lost. We need to know that some people care for us and that some people are Earth Angels. Don't get me wrong- I am still struggling- I am still depressed- I am taking antidepressants. I still can't forgive Joe for what he did to me. He knew he had AIDS and yet still chose to play God. But, one thing I do thank him for is the beautiful son he gave me. If I were to get any money for writing this I know I would definitely go put it towards a plane trip for me and my son. We would go to Mexico so he may meet my father for the first time that is dying. He will be 90 this year and I haven't seen my father in over 25 years. My son has not seen him ever. That would be a great opportunity for us to enjoy.

Would you like to comment on this story?