Karen
Long Lives Mom!

I am a single Mother of six beautiful healthy children, and I have been living with HIV for about twenty years. It was in 1985 when I first tested for HIV. When my test came back positive my first reaction was it was not true. I retested in 1986, days after the birth of my third child, only to find out the test was right. I had HIV and I was terrified. I ran home saying to myself "I am going to die. No more alcohol or drugs for me." I did not want to die. As time went on I realized I was still alive. This stuff doesn't kill you that easy. With that attitude I went back to using alcohol and drugs.
Soon after, I was being mentally and physically abused by the father of my children. Depression got me down and, I was facing time in prison for a crime I didn't commit. I needed a way out. I had to escape this mental and physical abuse from the man who said he loved me, and I needed to escape the control of the drugs and alcohol. I didn't want to go to jail, or die from HIV and I didn't want to leave my children. So I stood over my sleeping children and said to God, "if your gonna take me, take me now." I cut my wrist with a razor, and survived. I realized harming myself was not an option, I love living. I had surgery to repair my wrist. Shortly after I went to prison anyway.

I was Pregnant with my fourth child while incarcerated. I gave birth in a hospital outside of prison walls and my child was released to my mother along with my other children. It was 1989 when I went on work release. During a pass to visit home I got pregnant with my fifth child. I was released from work release and in 1990 was put on parole. While in prison, I decided it was time to separate my self from the abusive relationship with the father of my children and the addictions that came with it. One of the hardest things I've ever done in life was to leave the father of my children, but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It saved my life because it took me away from the abuse and addictions. I was the single mother of four children and pregnant with the fifth.

Finally, I met a good man. We became seriously involved, as a couple and we began raising my five children. I attended church on a regular basis, and I found my strength in the Lord. By now all my family and friends regained respect and trust in me. Life is good, and I feel good about my self.

In 1992 my sister and two of my nieces died in a fire, this devastated me. How can this happen? I had HIV. I should have gone first. My alcohol problem was back. At my next doctor appointment the doctor warned me to stop the alcohol, my body was dehydrating and my T-cells were dropping. At this time I began taking AZT. Even with the meds. My T-cells were still dropping. I remember thinking, "I need my health. I want to live." So I began to recover from an alcohol problem once again. My lab results came back stable, my health was improving. I began attending support groups. I also began volunteering to help educate people about HIV, How to prevent getting HIV, and supporting others living with HIV by talking about what it was like for me to live with the virus. I've done newspaper and magazine articles hoping to reach someone, anyone, in hope of preventing the spread of HIV.

In the summer of 1993 I blacked out and woke up in the hospital. The doctor was playing it safe; He immediately administered Dilantin, a seizure preventative medication, in case I had a seisure. He also did a spinal tap, and he found I was allergic to Dilantin and immediately stopped it. With no more tests to run I was sent home. My Skin was swollen and burning like fire from the allergic reaction to the Dilantin, and my head was pounding with a migraine due to the spinal tap. I must have suffered for nearly three weeks. Finally, I was able to get to my doctors office where he then assured me my HIV had progressed into full blown AIDS. The black out spell I had was the result of a rapid T-cell drop. In 1994 with new discoveries being made about HIV and with the arrival of new HIV meds I began taking new ones, though I'd switched meds several times since I had been diagnosed with HIV. I changed regimens so often I was running out of options. Finally, viral loads were being checked. Protease inhibitors were out; the newer meds were working for me. Though the side affects were more than I expected at times, I took my medication faithfully.

In 1996 I lost my closest friend due to the fact she feared the reality of living with HIV. My friend turned to alcohol and drugs as an escape. After her death, I realized this virus could kill. I decided to go through an agency to find adoptive parents to raise my children in case I died. The agency found someone we thought was suitable. She became actively involved in our lives for four years. Gradually she became less involved until she ultimately dissapered from our lives all together. I believe she disappeared because she thought I would be around for a long time. Saddened by the betrayal we lost trust in the concept of non-family adoption. It was in January 1998 when the father of my first five children died. Though he was HIV positive he shortened his life with an abuse of alcohol and drugs. Unlike my friend, he had no fear of HIV.

Later on that year, I developed a skin condition that caused me to itch constantly and tormented me for three years. The itch was a mental and physical challenge, but I did survive. In winter of 1998 I was finally married to the man I had been with for eight years. Things were going very smoothly and life was great. Less than two years after our marriage my husband was diagnosed with malignant brain and lung cancer as a result of smoking for many years. He took chemotherapy and radiation treatments to shrink the cancer. Things appeared to be good, until the cancer came back. This time there was little chance of survival. How can this be? He was HIV negative I'm the one with HIV, I thought, "He can't die. He's supposed to be here for me, and raise the children when I die." Yet there I was, sitting by his bedside day and night watching him dying, listening to him tell me how much he loved me. I couldn't bear to loose him, how do I go on living without him? He is my foundation, my support. Finally his suffering ended, he passed in 2001.

I was totally exhausted and depressed. I looked in the mirror only to see my appearance had changed, my face had wasted away. I assumed it was from the exhaustion and that it would go away as soon as I got rest. It turned out I was wrong. It has been a situation I have had extreme difficulty coping with, though I must go on living. Dealing with the negative and impolite reactions of the public is particularly difficult.

In summer of 2002 I became involved in a new and serious relationship. Late that year we decided to have a baby. I gave birth to my sixth child, with complications during the delivery. The baby's heart rate dropped rapidly as a result of the labor inducing and HIV meds administered during birth. An emergency operation was performed to deliver my baby. During my hospital stay I was given a blood transfusion. Skeleton looking and exhausted and in pain I was released from the hospital, though my baby was not. I hated leaving the hospital without my baby. It was very sad to see my baby lying in an incubator with wires attached all over its frail body. I had to hold onto the hope that we would both be fine, it was all I had. Bringing baby home from the hospital allowed me to get little to no sleep. I had to give my baby medications to prevent HIV on an around the clock schedule. Finally after six long and exhausting months my baby tested negative for HIV, and the medications were stopped. Finally able to get some rest my health improved. I am now the proud mother of six healthy children; four of them were born since I tested positive for HIV. All six children are HIV negative. Life is good. Once again, I feel good about myself. Despite my facial appearance I am able to move forward.
I am grateful to be alive. I'm Thankful to be alive to see my children grow into adults. And yet, I am happy to have a toddler who I will also have the opportunity to watch grow. My experience with HIV has taught me to realize how important it is to take better care of myself. HIV has helped me maintain freedom from my abuse of alcohol and drugs, making it, for me, a curse and a blessing. Every day alive is another day to live. Life is a special gift, accept it graciously.

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