My name is Juan, I am a 24 years old HIV positive gay man. Going
back three years is not pleasant to bring back memories that hurted
and are going into the deepest place of my soul and spirit, and understand
three years later that low self esteem and the need for love brought
me into a relationship to fulfill that need.
I overcame obstacles and achived goals in this three years but, on
the other hand I have had horrible stages of depressions and have
fallen into nights of alcoholism, with the excuse "I am an AIDS
person, if I am gong to die I will die enjoying what I like."
When I go back to "normal" I think "What stupid thoughts
and actions "and felt sorry for myself. However I understand
that this is the process of accepting my HIV condition. Is not easy
to know that you are living with the "Love-Virus", that
there is no cure and the only way to control it has serious internal
and external consequences. When I feel depress I take a warm bath-shower
I lay in my sofa with a good cup of hot chocolate and a good romantic
movie. "Good bye Depression."
Thank God I have found good people that have provided me with tools
and weapons to win this war, against HIV. Friends that I can't count
with my fingers but people who I can rely on, friends who worried
about me and understand me, a small family but with an exceptional
sensitivity Open Door Clinic. After all I have come to meet a person
who is strong and with the capacity to overcome and recognize complicated
situations, "MYSELF".
I don't feel harassed anymore when people gossip about my HIV status
but I still want to be far from people who want to hurt me and who
do not know anything about confidentiality.
What I am doing now as part of my therapy is to advocate for my community
HIV+, inform and educate others so they don't end up as I did. That
even I had the information about the dangers of HIV and other STD's
I thought never was going to happen to me, and now here I am writing
my story, being able to know other stories open my eyes to additional
horizons and reinforce my feelings and worth as a human being.
Being a 24 years old Latino diagnosed three years ago, I can tell
you that the HIV virus runs all over my body, into my immune system,
I am not resistant to the common diseases anymore like healthy people,
but there is a place where I have not let this virus to enter and
that is "My HEART"
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