For the first year of my life after finding out my positive status
I fell into a deep dark hatred. You see I was in love and in my mind
it was forever it was a trusting love the kind you rarely find. My
partner and I devoted to one another (so I thought) was on our way
to the rest of our lives. After 4 years of living and loving I came
home one day and caught him with another man in our bed. I packed
up and moved out; no one should stay in a situation that destroys
the trust as that. Not knowing how many times it had happened before
or how long it had been going on I decided to be tested, because since
we were together for so long there was no need for condoms I thought.
I remember driving back to the clinic that I had been tested at thinking
nothing could be wrong with me. I have always been fine, and I will
always be fine. I am invincible, well that thought was soon to be
dashed. I sat down in the chair waiting for the nurse to call my name
like nothing in the world could get to me. I was called back and it
was very matter of fact from the nurse. She said John your test came
back positive; I was in shock and disbelief. I just sat there and
went numb, me positive with HIV? NO WAY!! The nurse began explaining
to me that I should make an appointment right away with specialist
dealing with HIV/AIDS. I realized that she must have seen this same
situation time and time again. I must have had a blank dull look on
my face because she paused and asked, " Is this a surprise to
you"? Nothing, I had nothing I didn't know what to do or say.
Finally I looked at her and said YES this is a complete surprise to
me and I don't know how I could have been so STUPID!!
For the next few days all I could think of was how ignorant I had
been with someone that I thought I would be with forever. Anger and
hatred festered inside me I hurt but it was the anger that took over.
I let it control me and lead me because I didn't care any longer.
I got to the point where I almost lost my job. I was taking it out
on everyone I worked with and the worst part the customers that shopped
in my store. I was getting out of control all I felt was hate and
anger towards everyone around me. People I worked with friends and
family. It was not their fault but I took it out on them anyway, all
I really wanted to do was go over and beat my ex within an inch of
his life! I finally decided that I needed to get some help because
this was not who I was and I would surely get sick and be worse off.
So I went to see a psychiatrist in order to help me deal with this
issue in my life and get back on track to where I needed to be. I
recommend talking with someone that you don't know because it is easier
to unload on someone that does not know you.
I did a lot of soul searching after a few sessions with him and decided
that I needed to get busy living my life instead of destroying everything
around me. So I made peace with the fact that I was HIV positive.
I was not going to let that stand in my way; I was going to get back
to my normal self. I am a very outgoing and optimistic person not
much ever gets me down in the dumps and I needed to get back to that
person. It took some time to realize that I was going to be ok and
a lot of talking to my doctor…. If I tell you one thing that makes
you listen its TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. They know how to treat you and
what will be the best route for you to take from the results of your
blood work. Now I still have been on med for almost 2 years and I
am doing very well with my HIV. I work out I try and eat right. I
still long for a new love in my life, it would be a wonderful thing
to find that one person out there that can love unconditionally. But
I have to tell you it is hard with HIV because when you meet someone
its like a cloud hanging over you that you and only you know. But
you have to deal with your situation in order for you to expect anyone
else to. You have to learn all you can about being safe with others
and making sure you are protected as well.
I myself have chosen not to tell anyone in my family or any of my
friends around me in my life. But that is a decision that you have
to make on your own. For me it's the right one because I am an independent
person and I take care of myself. One thing that HIV has done for
me is giving me the confidence and the understanding that I CAN overcome
any situation that this old world has to throw me. I do have some
people in my life that knows my status mostly the doctors and nurses
and staff that treat me, and one of my very good friends. Other than
that I chose to deal with this on my own, but you must decide for
yourself how you want to deal with your own status.
Being HIV positive has run me through a roller coaster of emotion.
But most of all it helped me realize that I can and will always be
ok no matter where I am or what happens to me. I hope this helps you
in some way decide what path you must go down in your life when this
old world runs over you. Thank you for listening.
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