Lifestyles play important roles in society. A life of my own made
no sense until I stopped and reviewed that we are here for a reason,
we are here for a crusade, but most important; we are here to learn
and understand the meaning of it.
Taboos determine who will cross lines; people who do it take risks.
I took my chances and probably played with fire, my wounds remind
me of that thin line, day by day, I picture it; it makes me understand
that life keeps going so I have to. These wounds remind me that there
is a mission to follow, even though there will be falls along the
way, we still see the light. The true fact is that I am still learning,
and I also want you to learn, but not the hard way like I am...
I can describe myself as a stop light; perhaps you can see my point
now. Green light means "Go", you've got it. Did I get it?
I thought so, until I hit every single light, I was taught what green
means however, there is a point where I have to slow down. Is there
a manual I can read? Because I am just starting, but if I'm just starting
why to stop and read manuals, when I can learn along the way. If I'm
not with the flow, I could be left behind.
By the way mom, dad did I tell you that I'm Gay and I really enjoy
it?
Hey bro, what's that amber light for? It means "Slow down".
Do I have to? I think I can make it if I speed up a little. Yeah I
made it, I'm still with you guys.
Man there is a lot of traffic, I wonder what's going on? Why nobody's
moving? We could be here forever, let's take a shortcut I know.
All right, we're in business, that was a breeze, let's keep going,
hey man did I tell you that I think I'm getting old? Because I feel
like I didn't catch the flu, it got me, and nothing seems to work
on me. Mom says I have to take care of myself, but I'm still a Superman,
nothing's supposed to get me down. Did you hear about HIV, AIDS and
other diseases that are sort of saying airborne? Yeah, but that only
happens in Africa, I thought for a moment that, nee that's not possible.
Anyways.
Oh man, not again, now more traffic and this is a place where I don't
know any shortcut, do you? Let me ask what's this about?
Hi Mr. Prevention officer, can I ask what's going on? Yes you can,
there were some folks that didn't respect traffic signs, now they're
facing the result of it, what is sad is that we are all now stuck
here and there is no way around. Gee thanks, do you know if this is
gonna take too long? Well you better find something else to do because
this is a big one and it could take a lifetime.
Well, now that he mentions traffic signs, I kind of knew there were
some, I just didn't wanna take time to learn, but I guess since it's
going to be a while we can go over don't you think? I know there is
a long line in front of us and watch there is more coming behind.
Oh well.
There should be something magic like and "Open Door" where
everybody could go through and easy off this situation.
Well we can make it happen, how? Speaking up, telling guys up there
that we need to have open doors that will help people now and then
until situations like this won't take a lifetime to solve.
Now I can talk about my experience living with HIV.
Behind me there is a traffic light that I sort of passed through,
I knew all about HIV in theory, at least that's what I thought. I
did just a little to prevent this from happening to me. I sort of
met several people that I could never imagine will harm me or anyone
I love. Up to date I still have the same question, who was that one?
Does he know that he is infected? Couldn't he tell me about it? Well
I have just an answer for all these questions, "Limbo".
I know now that I made my own decision. I chose to have unprotected
sex being well informed about prevention methods. Sometimes I experienced
protected sex, however not always was like that.
Well, my life was normal like everybody else's; ups and downs, good
and bad, sick and well until I realized that something was happening
to me. I started to notice that my flu wasn't going away for long
period of time, sore throats that lasted up to three months, I have
tried everything, flu vaccines, pills, and why not homemade recipes,
made by a caring mother that at the moment was the only thing that
could help me a little. I noticed also that my body was sort of presenting
new thing for me, like little red rashes all over, my tong was sort
of swollen and white on the tip and sides. I was desperate to find
what was all this about.
So I decided to read a little bit about HIV, what a surprise to find
out that everything happening to me was in the screen right before
me.
I was suspicious about having the disease, went for the last try.
Tired of this situation, and my physician gambling for a jackpot,
all what it was left was to be HIV tested.
December of 2002, here I am talking to my Doctor about my lifestyle
and that I wanted to be tested. He immediately followed up procedures
and scheduled me for labs. On the 31st, testing was in progress. My
guts were in the Everest, however I knew I had to do it, for me and
for my loved ones. Results will be ready in two weeks.
Back at the Hospital on January 15th, 2003. Nothing was ready yet,
I felt sort of a relief because I could be in the "not sure"
status for a little bit longer. Not to fast, I have received several
calls from the Hospital asking me to be back ASAP, I was then scared
however I needed to get out of the darkness. Asked my close friends
to get tested with the purpose of not going back alone, not a soul
was up to, all I could get from everybody was a yes I'll do it but
reality was other.
On February 15th of 2003, I got my strength together and walked into
the Hospital hoping to talk to my family physician. However, directions
stated that I should be at a counseling room with who knows what name
it was of a therapist. Well, headed to the new office, nobody was
there. Took a sit and before me one piece of paper was sitting on
the desk, God curiosity killed that cat, I could see my name on that
piece of paper and just below my name a big red stamp saying "POSITIVE".
Wow, I could feel my soul coming and going back and forth, somehow
I was like an expectant mother, fully aware that at the end of the
line this could happen to me. Here I am, in one piece no signs of
sadness; just a blank mind like a plane piece of paper waiting to
have something written. Knock, knock; Doctor is here, he seems like
a nice man facing down like he had to handle this for the first time.
After he introduced himself, he went over my case and pampered the
issue very softly. "I recalled the song Killing me softly",
anyways; he asked me if I knew why I was there talking to him? I say,
yes I do and to be honest I saw my name on that piece of paper there
and the red sign posted on. Now since you are here, can I have that
paper to read it? He replied to me saying yes, this is yours to keep,
when I reached over that lab results, I read over different types
of test performed, one was Elisa, and the second one was Plott Test,
well I was familiar with the first one only, then I asked about the
second one and he explained that when some labs test positive, the
sort of reconfirm that by doing the Plott one. He made a thrill explanation
about my case and asked me if I needed some assistance, like to have
a moment or anything. I told him that I was ok and sort of had that
hard feeling. After going over statistics and information, he walked
me through the first step which was to refer me to an specialist and
also asked me if I wanted to have anyone of my friends tested. He
offered the most help he could.
At that moment, things and questions started sort of to invade my
privacy. Things like "is this for real? What should I do now?
What about my family? What about my friends? Am I going to lose my
job? Should I quit living? I was sort of stuck in traffic, no where
to move. I reached over my cell phone and contacted my very best friend,
cut and dry told him that I tested positive, all I remember on his
words were like he was padding on my back cuddling me over and over,
that was when the line continue to move. At the time I had no partner,
I wished so much I had, cause I could go back home and talk to someone
emotionally there just for me. I started to follow the thread and
I could see a big step coming, "my family". But not too
far away the biggest of all, this is like a great wall to me, It could
be seen from the moon, "My one and only Mother". I remember
I have to invite her over for dinner, to spend some time with me,
going back to be her little one. Hey mom, what do you know about my
relationships? She replied to me saying: "As long as someone
loves you for real, I'll be happy for you" however my only fear
is to see you having any health problems, -what do you mean by that?
- Well that I'm scared that you become infected with "that".
Ok mom the truth is that I am, and I'm so sorry to give you this problems
when you only gave me love and guidance, when you only had nothing
but care and advises to me.
Mom, don't cry because this disease is not painful, what is painful
to me is seeing you crying like that. Now I can feel the earth moving
under my feet, ready to crack open and eat me alive, I know this is
a moment I won't ever wanted to be at. Please don't cry, take this
as my mission, my reason to be in this world. Having this will make
me grow and stronger, and let me tell you something, don't think that
I'm dying because I'm not. I'm living and will.
This won't take me anymore.
My life and memory.
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