Denise
Black Queen: African American

My name is Denise and the reason I am writing this letter to tell you a little about my life and how it happened to me. I was 35 years of age when it happened. I knew this young man. He was 37 years of age. And we had started dating but I had been knowing him. I use to go to school with his sister and niece. And then we got at my mom's house in 1988 and that's when we got together. I was an on and off thing. This time so we had broke off from each other and we got back together in 1999 and we messed around for three whole years. Then I let him keep running and running in and out of my life and when we were intimate with each other he would always try to do something to me while I was asleep. So this one time I was sleep and he stuck two rubbers in my wound. I didn't know it until I went to the bathroom to use it and they both came out. Then I let him come back in my life again.

Everything was all right and seemed like it was getting better until another time he use to bring me food from his mom's house and I would always tell him you don't have to bring me anything. I got food. I would tell him to bring himself something because I know that he liked to eat late at night. So then he left me in 2003 and come back again to see me in 2004 and I let him again and over and over. I kept getting sick. But I let him keep coming back and forth in my life. So in 2005 he came back again. I kept letting him come in and out of my life so I had him admit what he did to me because the Lord kept speaking to my heart but I went on and did what I wanted to do. I knew that it was wrong but we all make mistakes. But I say that it was not a mistake. I did what I wanted to do and now I am in bad shape all because I did not listen to the man upstairs. So, I thank God that I am still here by his Grace and Mercy and that he forgave me. But when we are in love and no one loves you back and you just keep on bending over and over until you just give up after its too late. So I ask myself where do I go from here. Nowhere because there is nowhere else to go but in the master's hand. He was doing drugs at the time we were together and I had told him that I didn't want him to do that. Get a job and go to work. He had his own business when we were together. He was doing construction work and was doing a very good job. I even had him to do some work for my mom and then he would get back in to doing it just to make money to get drugs. He was on crack cocaine and he tried to get me to do some with him and I said no. So I didn't do it but I use to give him money to buy it every other day or month when I pay my rent and bills. So this one time I didn't pay anything. I would call the light bill, the cable and the phone companies and my landlord and say I didn't get my check just to keep him around me all the time. I almost lost my home.

In 1999 my sister lost her son in Milwaukee, Wisconsin so when I left my house he was not there. I had said Lord when I leave my home I want to clean my house out and clean me up. I did. But then I let him back in again and the same thing happened. So now, he is gone and I am so glad because my home smells better and I can move around better. I laid down with a man I thought was meaning me good and all he was trying to do was manipulate my life by destroying me. I think that he was jealous of me. I believe it because he would always say to me you sure have a nice house and you sure dress nice always giving me some kind of compliment all the time and his mom could not stand me. I don't know why I never gave her any reason not to like me. I don't know what it was but you know I thank God everyday of my 50 years that I still here and doing good as can be. I count my blessings each and everyday. I take a day at a time and do all I can do. And all I can do I put my hands in the Lord hand. He said in his word he will only give you so much.
Amen

You see I got abused when I was 14 years old. And I been getting abused every sense. I got a child. Then my sister's boyfriend raped me. So my life has been going bad every sense. I use to drink but not where I don't know what I am doing. I just drink to hang with the crowd. But you know that's what is wrong with a lot of us. If we don't do what they do we don't feel like we fit in with that crowd. So we have to understand that we has black women we have are own way and are own minds. We don't think right at all times we do the wrong things. Then when it comes down to it we are feeling sorry for ourselves. We say its to late to start over. But it is not. What ever you make out of it. It is what it will become. Take the bitter with the sweet and say to your self its going to be alright. I am not going to let it take me over or under. I will make it. I know that I will. Have faith and hope and you will gain back what you loss and what you already have. Grace, Everlasting Love, and Mercy all up above.

We has black queen American. We are weak in some spots and strong in another onces. We get into an relationship that we hope will be alright and that we can stay together and make it work out. Some can and some get miss lead by the one they are in the relationship with that before you know it we have felled in love and got ourselves messed up. Then we don't know it until we are gone to the doctor. And he tells us some bad news that we are unexpecting to hear. So sometimes we has lack American queen have to take things in unexpected ways. We have to stop being so good to the ones that are trying to get us. That is why some women get hurt we are so weak. We fall in love and get hurt. We fall in love and get hurt. We bend over backwards for the one we love and still get hurt. So now we know what to do some of us stand up for your own self. And let that man no good man is own way. And when it comes down to the end you will say thank you Dear old Lord for giving me me again. So I say to all black American queens we have to be very strong minded. And stop letting these no good one be mens to stop playing with are minds and we have too stop being so weak.

Me myself that's what happened to me. I was in love but I thought he loved me back but he didn't. But then after it was done and over I woke up to realize that I made the mistake I allowed him to do what ever he did to me.
So now I can move around and laugh and be happy with myself, each and everyday of my 51 years. The Lord his Blessing me everday and my life with his Grace, Everlasting Love, and his Mercyful.

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