Dean
ME AND HIV
LIVING WITH HIV

My journey begins in early part of November 1990. I heard about AIDS, but like many other people I was not well informed about this disease. It never crossed my mind that this disease would ever affect me. I was so very wrong.

Some friends decided to surprise me and take me to Chicago to celebrate my 24th birthday. I was told that everything was paid for and I was not to worry about anything. That they told me that everything is taken care of. We the started the night by going out to dinner and after we finished eating we started to hit the bars. We went from one bar to another, I bet we went to at least five bars (last time I able count). By the time that it came to the main part of my "birthday present" I was buzzed and feeling no pain as I recall. We drove to a motel and when I opened the door to the room there was a woman sitting on the bed. My friends yelled " Happy Birthday". I was shocked but like I said I was in no condition to put up a fight. Well we had sexual relations not that I remember much of it but we did.

Late December, early January I started dating this girl. We started to get serious and the subject of sex came up. This got me thinking about what happened on my birthday. I decided that I needed to tell her what happened and that I was going to get tested for HIV because I had unsafe sex with this workingwoman. She than suggested that she wanted to get tested to so that we both made sure it we were disease free. I agreed and we both went to the health department and got the test done. We were told that it took three weeks for the results to come in. The hardest and the most stressful part of this was waiting the three weeks for the results. Three weeks past and now it is time to go get the results. It turned out that the results for both of us were negative for the virus that causes AIDS but they explained to me that since I had sex within the last six months I needed to be retested in another six months to make sure that the test was accurate. I was grateful that this test came back negative for HIV, but it was still a little stressful not knowing that is was for sure. The thing that made this experience easier was that I had my girlfriend going through this with me and she gave me support. Not knowing for sure if I was infected with HIV or not was the worst thing at this time. I took the recommendation from the health department not to have sex for another six months. The only person that knew what I was going through was my girlfriend I did not want to put my family and friends through worries at this time.

Its late July, (about six months later) time for me to take a trip back to the health department to get the HIV test retaken. I have to admit that I was a little scared and nervous (not to mention real stressed out). I just kept telling myself that everything would be just fine, the test will still be negative. With that in mind I drove to the health department had the test redone and once again they told to return in three weeks. During those three weeks I tried to keep a positive attitude, saying to myself that it will come back negative. This time was even worse than before but I needed to know for sure.

Well it is August 19, 1991, three weeks after the retest so I drove to the health department to get my results. As I was called into a room I sit there and waited. Than this woman comes in, sits down and started to ask me a couple of questions (I did not recall this happening the first time). I remember that this time I felt that something was not right. As we talk she tells me that the test came back positive for the HIV virus. I sat there in shock; I could not believe my ears. She kept on talking but I heard nothing. I was num from my head to my toes. I recall thinking that my life is over, I have nothing to live for, and I have a death sentence I am going to die Why did God do this to me, what did I do so bad that he would punish me like this.

As I got into my car getting ready to leave the health department, I was consumed by so many thought in my head. How am I going to tell my family? How am I going to tell my girlfriend? What will people think of me? I am not going to be able to have kids. Even the thought of suicide went through my mind. I thought of driving at top speed in my car head on into a tree and hoping that I would hit it hard enough that I would kill myself. But the more I thought about it the more it was a bad idea. This would probably hurt my parents even more then if I told them I was HIV positive. With all the information that was given to me, there was one piece of information that stuck in my head. It was that the life span at that time was seven to eight years. I started to cry I knew that I would not see the age of 32. It really hurt that I would not see my niece and godson turn 11 years old. I remember thinking that no woman would want to have a relationship with a man that has a death sentence. I could not help but fell all alone (if though I wasn't alone). If I tell my brother and sister how would they react, would they let me hold, kiss or even hug my niece and nephew? All these thought consumed me. The worse thing was that I did not have any answers to any of these questions and the only way to find out some of these answers was to tell my family.

I was living with my younger sister who was 17 years old and my parents. About two weeks later my parents went out for the evening. My sister and I where home watching TV. My sister turned to me and asks me what was wrong, that she noticed that I was acting strange. Of course I said "nothing", but she kept bugging me and finally dragged it out of me. As we talked I told her that I was had diagnosed with HIV witch causes AIDS, at first I did not know how she would react but all of a sudden she starts to cry and gets up come over to me and starts hugs me. When she did this I just started to ball like a little baby. After we calmed down we started to talk again and she asked me if I have told mom and dad. I told her that she was the first and I did not now how to tell mom and dad the news. As we talked more she said that I needed to tell them they had a right to know and I should tell them as soon as the come home tonight. I told her that I couldn't. She said that she would be right beside me for support when I did. I agreed that when they got home that I would tell them. As we waited for them to come home we sat on the couch holding each other or should I say my younger sister held me.

Around eight o'clock my parent come home and here is my sister telling me to go upstairs and tell them. I was really scared, I know that I did not want to hurt them or be angry with me. So I told my sister that I could not do it, I just can't do it. She got off the couch and walked upstairs to the kitchen and said to my parents that I had something to tell them and with her saying that it forced me to go up to the kitchen. To this day I am glad that she did that. As I was trying figure a way to tell them I just could not find the words so I said to them "here it is I am HIV positive" at first it was really quite and my mom walked over to me and asked me if I was sure and I said "yes" then al of a sudden my mom collapsed and as she did I caught her in my arms she started to cry and so did I. I looked over at my father and all that I could see was anger and disappointment. I talked for a little bit more with my mom and dad but my dad really did not say anything. They asked me questions like who, what, where and how and I explained everything to them.
Now I was faced with telling my brother and my other sister. While I am trying to figure out when and how, I was dealing with my dad not talking to me or even looking at me. My mom was another story, she and I talked and we both decided that I would get another test done and to confirm these results. A couple of days later I went over to my girlfriend's house and told her, expecting that it would be over but to my surprise she was very supportive and said that it does not matter that she loved me no matter what happens. Now hearing this from her, really gave me some more hope. I told her that I told my parents and younger sister and how they reacted. I also told her that I was going to get another retest again to confirm the results.

Two weeks past and I just got home from the health department getting the retest done and here is my mom asking me when will I find out the results and I had to tell her that it takes three weeks. So waiting for the next three weeks to pass was the most stressful part on both of us. She tried to keep me positive by saying that the test could be wrong; this could be a mistake and so on. Well three weeks past and I on my way to getting the results, I began to think that the test was wrong and it will come back negative but keeping in mind that there is a chance that it will come back positive again. So as I waited, trying to keep a positive attitude. Well I get called into that wonderful room and a different person comes in and starts talking and tells me that the test came back positive for HIV. I was calm this time and finished the conversation and got up and left. I drove right home and as I walked into the house, it like my mom had radar she knew it was me and told me to come down stairs " I replied "yes I am coming" and walked down stars stopped where she was sitting, kneeled down and told her that the result was the same. She started to cry and said this "I can't believe that I am loosing both my sons". I looked up at her with tears in my eyes and said what do you mean and she told me that my older brother was just diagnosed with a disease that suffocates that person from the out side in, meaning that his skin will get hard and then he will suffocate. At this time there was no treatment for him. This kind of made me mad, do to the fact that he did not tell me what he was going through. Here I am dealing with the fact that how I am going to tell him.

I knew now that I had to tell my brother and sister. So we had a family get together and near the end of the get together, I asked my older sister if I could talk to her. I told her that I was HIV positive, the way she reacted was wonderful and she reassured me that nothing would change, everything will stay the same between her son and me and any future kids that she has. She came over and gives me a kiss and we hug for a while. Now it is time I bring my brother aside and tell him. I told him the same thing and he said basically the same thing that my older sister sad and we hug. Then I ask him why he did not tell me about his illness and he explained why, I forgave him and everything was all good. Things got better with my dad and I. We started to talk. Unknown to me he started to do research the HIV virus. As he found things out he would tell me about the research he found and we would talk about it. So things got better everyday.

Now regarding my girlfriend, we started talking about getting married and got engaged and the whole nine yards. We started making plans picking things out making decisions. Than she comes up to me and said "I want to tell my parents about your condition" I replied "that is your decision, you know them better than I". Well after she told them everything things went south with our relationship, the wedding was off, then the engagement was off and we finally broke up. Her parents could not deal with the fact that I had HIV and convinced their daughter that she could find someone better. Grant you I was broken hearted but I got over it in time (you know the saying time heals all wounds).

While I was engaged to my girlfriend, I was reacquainted with an old female friend and the three of us did a lot of things together and my friend was there for me when my fiancé broke up with me. So after a while we started doing things together and one thing led to another and I told her that I was HIV positive and she accepted it. Well we started to date and fell in love. I thought I was the luckiest man on earth I found a woman that accepted me for who I was. After awhile we moved in together and six months later we got engaged. In July of 1994 we got married. All plans for the wedding went perfectly, no clichés nothing. I took it as a sign that we were meant to be. Things were great until my in-laws started to cause problems in our marriage. Well to make a long story short, she left me right before my 30th birthday. But here last words were she said to me was that she told her mom that I had HIV and she mother replied, " If I would have known that you could not produce me grandchildren I would have not given you the wedding that I did". I could not believe my ears; I was blown away, how could her own mother say this to her daughter. This showed me that how some people are closed minded and are uneducated about HIV/AIDS.

During this time I was having problems with my wife I started using drugs (big mistake on my part). During the drug use things just got worse. Drugs led to legal problems that led to jail that led to prison. Witch caused me to have major stress. Stress really takes a toll on the immune system. I know this for a fact. I experienced it. For example my viral load was about 7,000 and my cd4s was about 370 with no medication. In August 2004, I had my labs done again (I have my labs done every three months like clock work) and with all the stress of my legal problems. My viral load went up to about 195,000 and my cd4 went down to about 353. Now at this time these results were the worst that they ever had. In October I was sentenced to prison for six months due to the fact of me doing drugs. When I got in prison I had my labs done again in January 2005. Now at this time my viral load went back down to 7,000 and my cd4 went up to 363. The only reason that I could come up with, why I improved was that all my legal problems were over. I kept thinking to myself once I get out of prison I will not have anymore run ins with the courts, it is all over. That just relieved all my stress. Once again I am not taking any medication at this time. I just want to let you know that stress does affect you, more than you might think.

If you get anything from my life story, I hope that you release you need to be educated about HIV/AIDS. If you do have this disease you still need to be educated about it. No matter what you need to care of yourself, both mentally and physically. Your health needs to be as close to a 100 percent as possible. I have lived with this disease going on 15 years with out medication. I am not saying that I survive on my own. I didn't I had a lot of people helping me. You need to have people in your life that will support you and love you. You need a doctor and or clinic that cares for you as a person and takes an interest in you. I know deep in my heart with all that I went through in the past 14 in half years, if I did not have my family, friends and the staff, nurses and the doctors at Open Door Clinic and of course GOD I would have not been able to write this story. I want you to understand that I am not looking forward to going on medication, but when the time comes I will go on medication. I will keep fighting to stay healthy. I will keep fight to stay off medication and I am going to stay educated. Being educated on HIV/AIDS with help you prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS and will help you live a longer and healthier life. With everything that I have been through in the last 14 in a half years I am not going to let a little disease HIV/AIDS take me down.

Would you like to comment on this story?