Annie
THIS IS MY STORY. LIVING WITH H.I.V.

This is the story of my life. I'm twenty-six years old and I'm HIV positive. To me, my life seems to look very different now. I want so many things, like to be able to travel. I want kids and a family like everyone else. Why can't I have children with my disease? Now the person I want a baby with is also HIV positive.

I met him when I was seventeen years old. I thought that I was in love, but what is love really? Love got me here to the situation that I'm in, writing this letter, this story of my life. I can't believe this happened to me. I haven't seen this person in four years. He's been incarcerated during our separation. He's due to come home at the end of November. Now he and my family are asking me if I still love him. That's a question that I've been asking myself for the last 4 years. Can you still love a person who took away all of your dreams? I think an even harder question is: Can you still love a man, the only man who has ever been in your life?

Our relationship wasn't the best thing in the world but at least there was something there to call a relationship. I did have someone to call my man, my friend, and my companion. I should have used protection because he was living two lives. I live in Aurora and his other woman lived in Chicago. I was told that there were more women than I knew about or ever wanted to know about. This man was a player. This man was a dog.

But I stayed by his side and loved him. I wish I would have known, I wish I could have seen who he really was. I wish that I could have changed time. But that will never happen. This man has been writing lately wanting to know do I still love him; do I still want to marry him? He asked if my family hates him? I asked my family and their response was that they could never hate him. They said you can't hate someone because of something like this. They did say though that they would not open their arms or their hearts to him, when he comes home from prison. But now, I'm sitting here wondering what would my life be like with or without this man in my life. I'm wondering what would my life have been like if I would have never met him or had him in my life from the beginning. I still love this man. I know in my heart that I will always love him, even if we are never together from this point on.

But it hurts way down deep inside of my soul that I will never have children and that my life now has a time limit. I guess that in order to find out the answer to my own questions, I've got to wait until I see him face to face. To see what I feel when we are together, if it's love or hate. I'm not sure how I will react when I see him. My life use to be filled with so much joy and happiness. I loved everyday as if it were my last. Now I think today, is it my last day or will God show mercy and love on me. Every morning I'm scared that today might be the day. Then, I get up and take these pills that the doctor says will help. I've only been on them two months now. Trying to take in the fact that I have to take pills everyday, seven days a week, is a very hard thing to get use to.

But everyday I do it because I know that I have to. I have one low count and one high count. And after taking all my pills, I go get the trash can and sit it right by my bed, and pray that they all stay down. The nights that they do, I'm so glad. It's very hard to live in Aurora. I grew up here all of my life so I never go outside now. Why? Because people see me and they ask: Who are you? Where are you? I use to weight about 300 pounds in a size 20W. Now I'm about a hundred and twenty five pounds and I wear a 7/8. This for me is a huge change.

The man who did this to me hasn't seen me in four years, so he don't know I'm this size. I hope that he will recognize me. I have big, brown beautiful eyes. But my face shows everything. But I keep a smile on my face. I use to take pictures every year for Christmas. But for the last two years, I haven't. Because I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror.
How can I take a picture looking like this? Maybe this year I will, maybe with some support and talking with others. I went to a support group meeting recently, and met a woman who was happy with no support and that brought a smile to my face. I wanted to tell her "thank you". She let me know that the grass is still greener on the other side. I try not to stay depressed, but sadness and loneliness overcome me a lot. I went to my cousin's house and we were drinking and listening to music. Before I knew it I had started crying. I thought about everything that I felt I had lost, because of my mistake, not using protection, I have this horrible disease.

I took care of my sister and my brothers all while they were growing up and now that has been taken away from me - the right to watch them grow old.

Why me? is the question I always ask. I ask that question because I didn't sleep around and I don't shoot up. It took that one time to not to use protection. Now I'm H.I.V. positive. That's a disease you will have forever. No cure but if I can save one life I will die happy knowing I saved someone's life. This guy I've been writing about is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with regardless of the trials and tribulations.

"Thank You" for listening and reading my story. I hope that I win the contest, but if I don't, I have already won in my heart, because writing this and being able to get this off my chest has helped more than anyone could know.

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